dream weaver

Valentine’s Day came and went. I got two red roses from my two sweethearts. Jake and I forgo gifts on this lovely occasion since we are still detoxing from Christmas and the mad rush of February birthdays. Instead, we started a new tradition three years ago. In lieu of gifts, each person makes a list of five (used to be 10 but we found that was too much pressure) “things” each of us would like to do with the other over the upcoming year. It’s actually very sweet and I love to open the card and see Jake’s list. Items range from small to big, romantic to normal. I save all the cards Jake gives to me (and the ones I give to him too) in a folder in our filing cabinet labeled “cards.” Creative, right?  I’ll keep our lists private for now... because it’s kind of like, our thing and just between us two. Things like that are rare nowadays, especially with all my facebook status updates. For example, the circus was on Jake’s original list three years ago. It took three years to get there, but we did it. And he loved it. I’m glad I got to share that with him (and Oliver).

Jake and I went on a dinner date Valentine’s night. I ordered crab cakes and drank a huge glass of pinot grigio. I hardly ever drink so why I ordered it I don’t know. I guess I was trying to get in a romantic mood. Dinner wasn’t really romantic. Is that okay to admit? Jake wasn’t feeling well. I was preoccupied with Oliver issues (teething, not adjusting well to his new class at school, clingy, separation anxiety) and we were both exhausted. We mostly had chit chat over dinner and later that night at home Jake asked me if I could do anything, what would it be? I stared blankly back at him and felt so lame that I didn’t have an answer. I am dreamless. I made up some crap about being a dermatologist (I could so not go back to school for 8 years) and then asked what about him. Jake has dreams... endless dreams that involve lots of math and studying. He just got accepted into his Master’s program and I am so excited for him. He has a knack for making his dreams come true. I, on the other hand, just make things up. The fact that I have no dreams and no real “work” goals right now have haunted me these past few days. I think having a baby changes you to the core (obviously) and things like going back to school, career changes, new cities and dream jobs take a back seat to mothering your little goose/geese. I’m trying to just let my mind be open and free to new ideas and new visions for my future. Right now, my life is good and full and I honestly couldn’t find time to work on said goals because keeping up with laundry is hard enough ...especially when I spend most of my free time snuggling this cute little goose.